btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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