I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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