It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
