i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize