Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
