I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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