Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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