The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
