And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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