i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
