I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
