Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
