My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
