There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
