I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
