I wish my penis had an off switch
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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