I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
