Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
