the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
