dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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