my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
