My liver just broke up with me...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
