I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
