The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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