do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We just shotgunned beers for America
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
