He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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