Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
