She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
