the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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