Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
