a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
