this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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