textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
