I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
