On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
