He had one of those small greek statue penises
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
