You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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