whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
