There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think my moral compass just broke
dude. I can hear the air.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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