quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
