I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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