make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
