id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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