When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
