Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just want to make out with him forever
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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