I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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