Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
