can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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