A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
