I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
