I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
