Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
