it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize