I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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