I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
