I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
