who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
