So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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