sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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