Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
