I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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