this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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