You made me cry and you don't even care
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
please come you make the beer taste better
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
