I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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